


When Hope Dies

by JoJoStories



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, M/M, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 06:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3436793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJoStories/pseuds/JoJoStories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The two men were now looking at each other, oblivious to the movements around them. Oliver was crying, silent tears that made their way down his cheeks. Connor’s lips twitched as he tried to retain his composure. He opened his mouth a couple of times, as if trying to add something more to the conversation. Unfortunately it seemed like he didn’t really have anything more to add. All Connor had wanted to say was now out in the open.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Hope Dies

**Author's Note:**

> theaestheticbooknerd.tumblr.com
> 
> Be aware of grammar mistakes!  
> I am going to correct them later on.

 

”So, how was your day?”, Oliver asked hesitantly, while sitting on one of the hard metal chairs, looking at the man on the other side of the table. His eyes were bloodshot and his face fatigued. Even though he did a pretty good job hiding it, Oliver could discern the subtile shaking of his hands. He avoided Olivers gaze and stared stubbornly at the small table in front of him. Never had such a small object created a larger space between them. Oliver couldn't reach him and that destroyed him. Neither could he touch him because of all of the guards and other people that were here with them in the visiting room.

Ten weeks ago Connor had been convicted for the murder of Sam Keating, it had been a drawn out process with a lot of discussions, evidence presentations and speculations. Annalise had tried her best, but they´d found traces of him in Connor’s car and that had been enough. Oliver had gone numb when the sentenced was announced. He had looked up from the crowd to search for Connor, but all he'd seen was his back since Connor already was being escorted away. That night Oliver cried himself to sleep. He stopped working and spent the first week without Connor just thinking about Connor. Their first meeting was two weeks after the sentence. Oliver focused his gaze on Connor and everything was so close to normal. They had started their meeting with a kiss and a hug, followed by Oliver reassuring words. They had talked about stupid stuff to take them away from the dull visiting room, such as Oliver´s new kitchen table. And then they suddenly stopped and just looked at each other, taking in the real world around them. In those moments, Oliver  stretched over the table to try and take Connor’s hand, while whispering-” I love you”

But that visit had to end and when Oliver left that day, he tried to ignore the frantic look that had passed through Connor’s eyes before he´d regained his composure and left with a guard.

And now here they were again. Oliver studied his face again, but he couldn't discern anything more than pure fatigue. Since Connor wasn’t looking at him right now, Oliver allowed a heartbroken tear to slowly trickle down his right cheek. This wasn’t the man he´d seen three weeks ago, a sign that _his Connor_ was disappearing.

”Connor, would you please look at me?”

Maybe he was imagining it, but he thought he saw a slight movement of Connor’s head. But other than that, Connor remained quiet and absent. The only sound came from the indistinct voices around them. Oliver had wanted to visit every weekend but that hadn’t happened. Instead his weekends were filled with work, work and more work. Every night he would look out of his bedroom window, angry with himself for letting Connor down. On the occasions he managed to see Connor, their visits became shorter and more filled with silence instead of hope. Their conversations turned grey and it felt like the power soon would run out and then what?

That’s the question Oliver had been pondering on for the whole week. Also was it one of the reasons that he´d been extra nervous for stepping in to the visiting room today. He´d known before he´d laid his eyes on Connor, that this was the day, the day when they couldn’t pretend anymore. 

”You know-” Connors raspy voice cut through the silence, and he cleared his throat before continuing. ”I was kind of holding on those first two weeks, I had this pathetic voice in my head that told me to just hold on and wait for you. _Oliver will be here in 8 days_ and then it became 7,6,5 etcetera …” his voice faded and he shifted slightly in the uncomfortable chair.

”Then you arrived and everything was like I had imagined it, I felt hope, I don't even know why because it wasn’t like you could take me home with you. And then you had to leave and I just—it just dawned on me that I am stuck in here Ollie-” his voice cracked on the nickname which really gained the attention from the other man. 

”—and everyone’s life is continuing out there including yours and I am sitting in here, counting the days, to what? A 2 hour meeting with you just to realize again, that I am stuck in here, and to be reminded that you and me will never happen. To be reminded that I´m in prison for a crime I didn't commit… at least not alone.” Connors voice turned into whispers.

”You want to know something ironic?”

Oliver had the feeling Connor would continue anyway so he sighed and rested his gaze on Connor, who indeed continued.

”I got a text that night, from my sister. She wanted me to drive over to drop off some photos since she was in town, working. I remember texting her ”no” since I was planning on drinking after I´d finished studying for our exams and I didn’t want to get in trouble for driving drunk…. but I never got drunk. I just….murdered someone…… I should have just drove to her with those photographs, ignored Michaelas desperate phone call. But I didn’t and that’s _eating_ me alive Oliver, not that I’m in here, but that I had the choice to avoid this and I still parked my car outside of Keatings office.”

”You didn't know…” Oliver offered as a consolation even tough he knew it would have no effect.

”I knew it was bad, Michaela was panicking. I could hear the argument between them as soon as i entered the building I should´ve just left. Why didn’t I just leave? Why couldn’t I just leave?”

By now Connor was talking to himself more than to Oliver, he lost himself in his thoughts for a while. Oliver sighed, it was unfair. He should feel relieved, like the rest of them, a murder was convicted for the crime that had been made, problem solved, but it didn’t really work like that. Especially not when he knew what kind of person Connor was. He wasn’t like the rest of the prisoners here, he was caring, loving and kind—well mostly kind. He had dreams and ambitions in life and now it was all vanishing, slowly but surely. It was unfair that he was stuck here and that’s why Oliver wouldn't accept it. It was selfish thoughts but Oliver couldn’t really stop himself from thinking them. _Why didn’t you just leave? Why couldn’t someone else had parked their car outside her house that night? Why couldn't anyone else had took the blame for you?_

_"_ You should go”

The words shocked him so much that he didn’t process them, instead they floated around in Olivers atmosphere, before he decided to let them sink in. _No, don’t do this, don’t push me away._

”No, I…I love you and I promised you that I would be here for you a..and—” he stuttered slightly.

”Yeah and that’s the issue Oliver, you are putting your life on hold—”

”I have a life outside these walls you know”

”Yeah, what life? Work?”

Oliver was speechless by Connor’s boldness, how long had he´d been holding this in? The words seemed well practiced.

”I talked to Michaela last week and she told me thats all you do. Listen I know you, and I know what you are trying to convince yourself. But this isn’t a long distance relationship, where I´ll be out in a couple of months and we get to pick up where we left off. I won´t be home by christmas to meet your parents and sing carols. I was sentenced with years Oliver—”

”I was in that court room too you know”

”Then you should know that this isn’t working, I won’t sit here to talk about my day or to hear about what you had for breakfast when we are avoiding the inevitable.”

Oliver indeed knew it wasn’t a permanent solution. He had known the minute Connor was escorted out of that court room, but he didn’t want to give in. He wanted to believe that it was all a mistake, that the evidence were planted or that they would get him out through Annalise. However, as the weeks passed Oliver had started to realize that Annalise didn’t really have a plan anymore. That scared him more than anything, which became a reason to procrastinate his visit to the prison. Basically Oliver was scared to face the truth, scared to think what Connor now was throwing at him, with such anger. Oliver was being pushed past his breaking point and soon he would crack, something he didn’t want to do since they were not alone in there. Now he was the one to stare down at the table.

”I know, but it’s not fair-” he said, and his voice quivered. ”I don´t want to let go, I don’t want to forget about you and let you push me away, so I can have a ”normal” life and—”

”I’m not asking you to let go, I’m just asking you to let go of us. I’m not worth fighting for Oliver, you don’t have to—I don’t want you to give up your life just to wait for me. I’m asking you to let go of the idea of us, as a couple. Like us doing the crosswords or us having movie nights, us celebrating holidays and meeting each others families…” Connor stopped for a short moment, when he spoke again his voice was lowered, just as if he didn’t want Oliver to catch the end of the sentence. ”…us getting married or having kids…”

The two men were now looking at each other, oblivious to the movements around them. Oliver was crying, silent tears that made their way down his cheeks. Connor’s lips twitched as he tried to retain his composure. He opened his mouth a couple of times, as if trying to add something more to the conversation. Unfortunately it seemed like he didn’t really have anything more to add. All Connor had wanted to say was now out in the open. He was scared for Olivers answer. He knew that this was just as hard for him as it were for Connor. He found himself wishing that he´d never met Oliver. It pained him to see his boyfriend cry. All he wanted to do was to reach for him and hold him close. But that wouldn’t happen, just as the other things he´d just listed for Oliver. Instead Connor sat in his chair, helplessly watching as his boyfriend slowly fell apart.

”Can I at least visit you as a friend?” Olivers raspy voice made itself apparent.

A smile spread on Connor’s lips for the first time in weeks. He leaned forward and let one of his many collected tears fall down before speaking.

”Of course,…I´d love that.”

 


End file.
